Another Live Lost

2008-08-29 @ 2:09 a.m.

19082008. The day that she finally took her last breath. No warning. Nothing. She just slept and decided not to wake up.

I was at the usual hang out place with a couple of colleagues and their friends. My mom called asking me to go back home. For a split second I thought I was in trouble. Then she broke the news to me. My grandmom have moved on. I sat up straighter. I gasp. Whichever was first. I can’t really remember. I saw the look on their faces. Wondering. I don’t remember telling them but apparently I did. I don’t remember the walk back home but apparently I half ran and half walk.

Changed the outfit and got my butt down to the hospital with mom. Dad was already there. He followed the ambulance apparently. At the hospital, I saw those people faces. The cuzz, the aunts and the uncles. Swollen red eyes, some tear stained and others still with tears. Some just look pretty much the same.

I went in too see. Tubes were still in her mouth. I touched her hand. They have yet to remove the IV needle. I looked at my mom beside me, and I saw her tears falling. I looked at my cousins behind me and saw their tear stricken face. I looked at my grandmom and...I felt nothing. All I saw was the tube, the plastics, felt the needle. I looked at her calm face. Seems to me like she is just sleeping. What is wrong with me? I left the room feeling so lost and so confused.

Arrangements were made. We brought her back home to my aunt place. Stayed over. Went back home close to 4am. We went over to her place in the morning. Barely caught any sleep.

We were given our time to say our final goodbye. When I finally came face to face with her, tears came streaming down. But I am still confused. I don’t know if the tears were just because everyone seems to be crying or................

Now, more than a week has passed. I don’t really know how I’m feeling. I feel kinda numb. I was never close to her. It’s only in recent years that I’m slowly but surely beginning to talk to her. Nothing much was exchange. But I remember those gentle eyes when she is smiling.

I was just talking to a friend the other day. And I remember saying, “Just when I finally come to terms with my granddad’s passing. Just when I finally braved myself to bid him goodbye. This has to happen. So...am I gonna take another 2yrs to say my farewell?”

Would it be weird to say that I felt so much pride for her. So many people came. Even at 2am, 3am. They still came. And on the burial day, more people came. And when I look at their faces, I can see and feel that they are mourning for a life lost. I can see that those tears shed were sincere. I told my mom of the large number of people. And she told me how friendly my grandmom is. These people may have walked into her life just as friends, but she treats them as family. She did not leave behind any friends at all. ZILCH!!! She leaves behind a very LARGE FAMILY.

A few days before her passing, I dreamt.
I dreamt of my late granddad...and my grandmom. I stood beside her. I looked ahead and saw a being. I could barely make out the outline but somehow I knew who it was. He started calling out to her. Asking if she wants to join him. She talked to me. Asked about my thoughts. Moments passed. Conversations exchanged. We talked but not really. She decided. She looked at me and her eyes say it all. I hugged her. The last word I said to her; “Say hi to Yayi for me.” Then she was gone.

I didn’t give it much thought. But if I did....what then??
On the day that it happened, when I was at worked, I remember feeling really uneasy. Later in the evening, I felt the need to gasp for air. And just before I received the call from mom, I felt an unbelievable amount of sadness. Out of nowhere the feeling came...and out of nowhere...the feeling disappeared. Just like that. I brushed it aside.

I then found out. It really weirded me out.
The uneasy feeling, that was an hour or two before my aunt found my grandmom unconscious.
When I was trying to catch my breath, that was about the time when the paramedics showed up and revived her...momentarily.
The sudden pang of sadness, that was just before they pronounce her dead.

WOAH MUCH!!!

My dad says that I was going through motions with her. Interlinked somehow. No one else felt what I did. Not my aunts or uncles. Not my cousins. No one. So...why did I felt what I felt.

Mom and dad have a theory. I too have the same theory. I just don’t want to believe it.
I’ve lived with it. Learn to deal with it. Take it in my stride. But for once, I refuse it.

Haiz..........................

I MISS YOU YAYI!!! I REALLY DO!!!
NYAYI, YOU WILL BE IN MY HEART ALWAYS. A PLACE JUST BESIDE YAYI. YOU ARE DEARLY MISSED!!!