How much do I matter to them?

2008-06-22 @ 6:24 p.m.

Sometimes I wonder where I stand in their life. There are times that I would feel that our bond is something that can't be mess with. While other times it just made me feel very doubtful.

No denying the fact that we have been through lots together. But there is so much that I kept from them. Time and again I would ask myself if they are doing the same thing. They might be. And I don't blame them. They are entitled to their own secrets. So am I.

Questions such as "Do I matter to them?" should not be lingering at the back of the head. Or can they exist there?

Friendships and bonds formed are meant to be explored. But what happens when it’s being explored to deep?

I have my own secrets and demons to face off with. What would happen if they explored deep enough and find these secrets and these unseen demons. Would they want to stick around? Or would bolt off at lightning speed? I have seen it happen....too many times. The latter being the most common. And these are still not the deeper secrets or the deeper demons.

Yup!!! There is still the deepest territory to go digging around for.

But then again, am I being fair? It takes 2 hands to clap. So am I receiving what I am giving? Issit fair that I have to ask these. Who knows if they are asking the same things when it comes to them and me?

My own flaws are something that I have to begin with. The biggest flaw, one that many have pointed out is how very guarded I can be. Yes, I do talk alot. About certain life experiences. Things that sometimes doesn't seem to be but really are the surface of things.

A girlfriend of mine once said to me, "I have been friends with you for 5yrs. And it took you that long to let me know you these much (showing a very small space between her thumb and index finger) more to who you are." The most surprising is that she accepted it like a champ. No questions ask. Issit cause she is just really glad that I trust her enough to allow her in that much more into who I am? Did she ever ask herself "How much do I matter in her life?"

I don't blame her if she asks herself that. I am not being very forthcoming myself. Truth of the matter is I don't trust myself enough to allow anybody in. And I do realise that. But apparently, it does not do much difference.

My flaws are my biggest enemy. Some may realise it, some may not. But it still does exist. One of which I have already mention. There’s still a few more. At least those that I know of.

I have NO IDEA at all where this is all leading too. I don’t even remember why I started writing this entry. I think I better stop before this get dragged on far too long.