Grand Entry for 2008

2008-04-17 @ 2:58 a.m.

A dream that was just that but yet so timeless. A past that was suppose to remain just that. Locked away in a corner and the key to be thrown away. Joys that are to be celebrated. Many more things that are just parts of life. There are days that i feel as if time is at a stand still and other days that i felt as if time is moving way too fast.

It has been over 4 months since the calendar year have changed to 2008. And i am making a grand entrance for the first entry of the new year. As expected im not a blank slate. My mistakes not erased away. My memories not wiped clean. I still am almost the exact same person i was exactly a year ago at this very day and at this very moment.

I am suddenly remembering my late grandfather. The thoughts of him sometimes so suddenly swim around in my head. I feel so disappointed at myself that i cant remember how his hugs feels like. How it feels like to give him a peck at his cheek. i remember those happening. Like a movie, it plays so vividly in my head. And just like the movies, you can see it but you cant tell exactly how it feels like. You can imagine it but to feel it.....thats another thing totally.

How i longed to be able to feel safe again. Just like how his hugs makes me feel. How i longed to be giving love again. Just like how it used to feel like when i kiss him on those tender cheeks.

Its been 2yrs. The events that slowly unfold that very night still vivid in my head. The day of the burial. How it felt to be face to face with my late grandfather and know that thats the very last time i’m gonna see him. To feel so relieved that he finally is saying goodbye to us and how difficult it was to actually have to say goodbye. How quickly i had to bounce back when i haven’t had enough time to grief (did i even grief?).

And the events that followed it. The truth coming out. The greediness. The selfishness. The lies told. The anger. It seems to be nothing but a distant memory. Strangely enough though, as much as it feels to be a distant memory, it felt like it was only yesterday.

Ooooo....how i miss him so dearly. He would know what to do. He would be strict and firm and gentle and kind...all at the same time. He would be handling the whole mess. But he is no longer here. “Goodbye Yayi. My prayers are always with you.”

Moving on....

The Chinese New Year hols were spend in Bali. With the colleagues and the boss and his family. This time round the trip is most definitely shorter than the Phuket trip last year. Went in 2 different groups. First group went off on Sunday night (03022008) and the second group (including me) set off from Singapore on Tuesday (05022008) night. Watched the sun setting from thousands of feet in the air was AWESOME and BREATHTAKING!!! I was so mesmerized that i forgot to at least snap a few pictures of it for keepsake. How stupid can i be?? A once in a lifetime chance and i kinda blew it....OOOO WELLLL...........!!!!!

Before “jetting” off to Bali, i managed to catch Sweeney Todd...with the parents. The show was awesome!!! Of course the fact that Johnny Depp was in it helps a whole lot. To me at least. Can’t say the same thing bout my dad though as he actually fell asleep while watching it. Thank goodness he didn’t snore or i would have just died of embarrassment.

An interesting thing that happen the day we went to the movies (which btw was on Monday, in case you didn’t catch my drift), was that i saw someone from afar. The freakiest part was that i was able to actually recognise him when im looking only at his back. So i was chuckling at myself at my own “craziness”. I honestly didn’t think nothing much of it.

Then it happened. I woke up feeling so unsure of what had happened. And i thought i was over it. Apparently i was so wrong. The dream was rather vague. But it definitely was something. Reminding me of the open chapter in a particular part of my life. I hate this. Its honestly is never ending. WHATEVER!!!

Much have happened. I don’t really know where to begin. Good things and bad things. All are of course part of life. My friends and i nearly met with an accident. This happened sometime back. Thank goodness we were all fine. Shaken and shocked but fine nonetheless.

The room is revamped. Bought myself new bed, wardrobe, dressing table. My dad re-painted the room. My grandmom thinks that i am chasing her out of the room and ultimately the house. The thing that really pisses me off the most is the fact that she pretended to be all nice to me when i first mention that i am planning to buy a new bed. She even said that that is a good thing cause the old bed was kinda falling apart. Which is true of course. There wasn’t any intention at all to chase her out. But as always, she made it her thing and babbled to god knows who bout it. Saying bout how cruel i am to be chasing her out at her old age. No one have to tell me or say anything for me to know that is what she is saying. I have been living with her for my whole entire life. And i know exactly what she is capable off.

I know it may seems like i am very cruel to be writing like this about the grandma. But i dont care. There is so much to her than meets the eye. DONT JUDGE ME!!! those that are close to me would know the reason for this hostile feelings towards my grandma.

My big bro have recently signal the alarms to my parents and now just cause of that i am in the radar and under pressure. My parents really are testing the waters with me and they are getting to my very last nerve. I have my reasons. My secrets as to why i decided to stay like this. You dont wanna know about it. SERIOUSLY!!! the whole thing with the other person is just the tip of the iceberg.

I am a wee bit of a cynic but not entirely cold hearted to the point that i don’t believe in all those romance. I do of course. The fantasy of myself getting swept of my own two feet by some guy in shining armour is still much there up in the brain. But i still will settle for a simple love story of my own.

There have been people who mistook my lack of interest and enthusiasm in the quest of finding THE GUY is cause i ain’t interested in them. Which is of course SO VERY WRONG!!! try spending a day out with me and only then you would understand what i meant. I love ogling. Be it at guys or girls. But i MOST DEFINATELY still prefer the former.

There are others that simply come to the conclusion that i just have too high standards. Which i don’t have. Well...at least i don’t think so. Of course, the people that commented these are people that don’t really know who i am. Asked any of my closest friends and they will tell at least one other reason aside from the fact that i am just not ready. SO STOP FORCING ALREADY!!!

Went a little bit of track there......

I feel stuck right now. And i don’t mean it in the literal sense. I really have no idea where or what i’m heading to in this lifetime. And its in every aspect of my life. From work to friends to family to love and everthing else in between. I am foreseeing a very bleak future that holds no meaning at all. Where everything that is suppose to fall into place isn’t.

It’s so very crazy to be looking at acquaintances (now) that at one point of time was a friend, living their life. Some are still in school pursuing their careers. Some are already holding a successful high flying career that’s beyond my wildest imagination (one of my classmates is now a recording artist with 2 or 3 albums under her belt). While others are happily married or engage. And its a million times more scarier to see close friends achieving one or some or all of those exact same things.

After all of that reflection, i look in the mirror...at myself...and wonder....

I know that it have to start with me. But the drive that i use to have is no longer there. I’m most definitely NOT satisfied with what i have today but the drive and the push is not here. Im just being complacent.

Anyways, i’m all out of things to be typing about. And i’m feeling a somewhat ”anxiety attack” approaching.
No worries. Its not a real one (at least i, would hope not) u know sometimes you’ll just suddenly feel your heart pulsating so very quickly and it being all over the place when you doing pretty much nothing?? And you’re all out of breath?
I meant that feeling.

It’s been happening alot lately. And sometimes it will start at the most oddest places and the most oddest timing. Sometimes i feel the muscles in the chest just tightening itself. Its not a good feeling. And almost always something terrible will happen. I need to stop talking bout this. I’m making myself feel worse. I think i will go now. I have nothing much else to say anyways........